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“In Major Restructuring Move God Forced To Eliminate 10,000 Angels and Install New Voice Mail System In 2006!”
From: God
To: Citizens of the Earth
Date: January 1, 2006
Subject: Voice Mail
Most of you have learned to live with “voice mail” as a necessary part of being on Earth. Because of the increased amount of requests, complaints, and slow response times I’ve decided to install voice mail.
To improve our service and pay for the new system we’ve unfortunately been forced to lay off 10,000 angels who I’m sure you can use at the present time on earth. St. Peter, my CAO (Chief Angelic Officer) made it very clear that these angels were part of a major restructuring move. With the challenging economy, we’re simply overburdened with additional prayers and requests at this time thus the need for voice mail.
When you pray from now on, you’ll hear one of the following options:
Press 1 for Requests
Press 2 for Thanksgiving
Press 3 for Complaints
Press 4 for all others
I’m sorry, all of our angels and saints are busy helping other sinners right now. However, your prayer is important to us and we will answer it in the order it was received. Please stay on the line.
If you would like to speak to:
Me (God), Press 1
For Jesus, Press 2
For the Holy Spirit, Press 3
To find a loved one that has been assigned to Heaven, Press 4, then enter his or her social security number, followed by the pound key.
If you receive a negative response, please hang up and try area code 666.
Our computers show that you have already prayed today. Please hang up and try again tomorrow. The office is now closed for the weekend to observe a religious holiday.
If you are calling after hours and need emergency assistance, please contact your local pastor.
IS THE PERSON ANSWERING YOUR TELEPHONE SLOWING KILLING YOUR BUSINESS OR ORGANIZATION?
It’s amazing how many businesses put the most incompetent or rude person in charge of answering the phone. We’ve all had our own personal horror stories so there’s no need to elaborate in great detail, but let me throw out a simple customer service idea that ties in perfectly with marketing.
Treat incoming calls like gold. If handled well, you make money. If they’re not (which is often the case) you’re company is guilty of the following:
1) Ticking off existing clients
who might never come back if treated poorly
2) Wasting time, energy, and marketing dollars by
placing the wrong person in charge of handling leads
and inquiries
3) Presenting a negative and incongruent message
about your business, people, products and services
4) Inability to track where leads, referrals, and
possible complaints are coming from
OK TONY, HOW DOES THIS RELATE TO MARKETING?
Simple. Treat ALL incoming calls like gold. First impressions are critically important because you’ll often not get a second chance. If you’re rolling out a new mailing, promotion or offer make sure the phone lines are beefed up to handle leads and new orders.
Case in point: The telephone and cable companies. They preach “excellent customer service” but the first time you call them you spend 15 minutes on hold waiting for someone in a different state to come on the line and give you the run around.
It’s sad today how many people fight to win your business but as soon as you call them for anything they completely drop the ball. This is a bad, bad marketing strategy.
Too many businesses spend a ton of money to generate leads but have inadequate systems in place to effectively deal with them. Time is money. The speed of response and first impression are the top two priorities when dealing with customers, leads, questions and referrals!
